I have a dear friend who is a qi gong master and a devotee of Chinese Astrology. She informs me that one's Chinese astrological sign is not just an animal (such as today's New Year of the Dragon) but also an element: fire, water, etc.
I looked into it and learned that I was born in the year of the Rooster and that my element is Fire. There's something appropriately hellish about the fact that it turns out my sign is a burning cock!
Drunk for the New Year
It’s a new tradition: recording drunken and humiliating behavior on New Year’s Eve, then posting it for all the world to see. Most are hilariously funny – but only to other drunk people. There’s lots of yelling, slurring, puking, falling down and showing of undergarments. The most innocuous statements – “my foot hurts” – generate peals of laughter. Hellish Holidays culled through way too many dreary ones to come up with the best of the worst.
Her resolution: Match.com.
Lindsay Lohan in about 10 years.
This woman can’t even get out of her house to celebrate.
She’s…hornier.
Reasons to quit - as if the above weren't enough.
Her resolution: Match.com.
Lindsay Lohan in about 10 years.
This woman can’t even get out of her house to celebrate.
She’s…hornier.
Reasons to quit - as if the above weren't enough.
Wouldn't You Like to Be a Pepper Too? (Videos)
Black Friday 2011: Apparently inspired by UC Davis security techniques, a woman used pepper spray to get an Xbox 360 at half price. The most shocking part: she checked out and disappeared despite being "captured" on countless cell phone videos and leaving a wake of 20 injured shoppers.
Another View of the Mayhem
The Inspiration?
Appreciate Your Own Family...(Videos)
...Just compare them to these:
From the unfriendly mom at the sink to the immobile grandparents abandoned at the cleared table, to the beastly kids, this one just screams Hellish.
What's more disturbing: the fighting or the number of stairs this couple has to climb to get to their apartment?
Brings new meaning to the expression “Just shoot me.” From Columbia, Missouri.
Tip of the Day: Don’t tell the cook that his homemade holiday dressing tastes like puke when he is making the Thanksgiving grocery list.
Given a choice between football and listening to family members fiddling, which would you choose?
Thanksgiving After-Dinner Joy?
From the unfriendly mom at the sink to the immobile grandparents abandoned at the cleared table, to the beastly kids, this one just screams Hellish.
The Thanksgiving Fight
What's more disturbing: the fighting or the number of stairs this couple has to climb to get to their apartment?
Post-Dinner Scrabble
Brings new meaning to the expression “Just shoot me.” From Columbia, Missouri.
Make It Yourself!
Tip of the Day: Don’t tell the cook that his homemade holiday dressing tastes like puke when he is making the Thanksgiving grocery list.
More Football, Please!
Given a choice between football and listening to family members fiddling, which would you choose?
Thanksgiving Dinners Weirder Than Yours (Videos)
Mashed Potato Fight on Thanksgiving
OK, so this one guy wouldn't give this other guy his phone back? So the other guy throws mashed potatoes at the first guy? And then it, like, escalates? Who says you need to go home to have a fight on Thanksgiving? Caution: language alert.
No Need to Dress for Dinner...
Looks like Great Grandma came straight from the pool to the table.
A Hungarian Thanksgiving
Hungarian tradition? This sounds more like a yoga class. Come on, let's eat already! Namaste!
No Room for Guests
Sorry you had to see that.
The Year of the Pop-Up Timer
My dad was not known as a cook. He must have made dinner for himself after my parents divorced, but that’s hard to believe based on the Thanksgivings he put together. He insisted on hosting, and he did his best, but let's just say we didn't go to his place for the food.
Finally, one year he agreed to let me cook. I'd been bragging about my culinary prowess, and he gave in and accepted my claim that I could whip up something more gourmet than what we'd been used to. Now I realize that my baking experience didn't translate into any real dinner-making ability, but at the time I thought I could do it all. How hard could it be?
I'd never made a turkey, so to be safe, I bought one of those with the pop-up timers. All I had to do was check occasionally and when it popped up, we would eat. I put the turkey in the oven while we played Scrabble. After an hour or so I looked into the oven. Nope, not ready. More looking, more not ready, more Scrabble.
After what seemed like twice the length of time it should have taken, I pulled the pan out and examined what was turning into withered jerky. No timer was popped up. It must be defective. What a rip-off! Those Butterball people would be hearing from me!
But wait. When I took the mummified bird out of the pan and flipped it onto a platter, it turned out that I’d had it in there upside down. That poor little timer never stood a chance: it had been pressed into the pan and couldn’t pop up. Who knows how long ago it started to try.
That year, we dined on rolls, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and plenty of pie to the soundtrack of bitching. "Why didn't you put marshmallows in the sweet potatoes?" "I really wanted some turkey." And you’d better believe that, like "The Fruitcake Story," that tale gets re-told more often than it should.
Finally, one year he agreed to let me cook. I'd been bragging about my culinary prowess, and he gave in and accepted my claim that I could whip up something more gourmet than what we'd been used to. Now I realize that my baking experience didn't translate into any real dinner-making ability, but at the time I thought I could do it all. How hard could it be?
I'd never made a turkey, so to be safe, I bought one of those with the pop-up timers. All I had to do was check occasionally and when it popped up, we would eat. I put the turkey in the oven while we played Scrabble. After an hour or so I looked into the oven. Nope, not ready. More looking, more not ready, more Scrabble.
After what seemed like twice the length of time it should have taken, I pulled the pan out and examined what was turning into withered jerky. No timer was popped up. It must be defective. What a rip-off! Those Butterball people would be hearing from me!
But wait. When I took the mummified bird out of the pan and flipped it onto a platter, it turned out that I’d had it in there upside down. That poor little timer never stood a chance: it had been pressed into the pan and couldn’t pop up. Who knows how long ago it started to try.
That year, we dined on rolls, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and plenty of pie to the soundtrack of bitching. "Why didn't you put marshmallows in the sweet potatoes?" "I really wanted some turkey." And you’d better believe that, like "The Fruitcake Story," that tale gets re-told more often than it should.
Thanskgiving Turkeys (Videos)
Not Ready for Her Closeup
Whipped Cream in the Beer
Sort of makes you appreciate your own family. Sort of.
Fred on Thanksgiving
Isn't he outgrowing this act yet?
Thanksgiving of the Future
Remember to be yourself.
A Puerto Rican Thanksgiving
In April 1988 my mother called from New York and told me she'd had a dream. Not the Martin Luther King kind of dream, where people live together in peace and harmony. No, this dream was more of a hallucinogenic vision: she saw herself living in Puerto Rico.
At the time of the call, I was in the process of preparing for an Academy Awards viewing party at my house in Los Angeles, so I really didn't have the necessary time to throw all the cold water I would have liked on this specious semi-plan. But I did what I could, starting with "But you don't speak Spanish!" and seguing to "But you've never even been there!"
She had an answer for almost everything, primarily related to her lifelong loathing of cold weather and love of the Atlantic (just don't get her started on the Pacific). At the end of the call she acknowledged that she should take a trip to Puerto Rico before committing. I figured that would be the end of that. She'd go, feel like a gringa out of water, realize she had no support system, and start sending away for flyers on Miami.
But no. She returned from her trip having taken a job at an English-language school ("They use the immersion method!") and rented a small house. Packing commenced immediately.
As a parent, I know what it's like to disapprove of a child's decision. This experience brought home to me the helplessness of disapproving of a parent's. It wasn't our first role reversal, the first time I had felt like the comparative grownup, but it was the most significant. After almost 20 years, she is still there, and our positions have only hardened.
Once she settled in, she insisted she had been right to trust her intuition. She invited us down for Thanksgiving. This was partly so we could fall in love with island life as she had, and partly because she thought it would be a fun adventure to make a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in her new environment. She knew someone, Luis, who had a rental apartment for turistas like me and my husband, and we sent a check for $600 to prepay for the three nights we would be there.
We arrived in Puerto Rico the day before Thanksgiving. We were dropped off at the apartment and climbed the previously unmentioned stairs to find utter filth: dishes in the sink. Dirty leopard-print sheets on the unmade water bed. Dead bugs on the window sills. We didn't dare inspect the bathroom. My husband refused even to bring a suitcase into the place. So we lugged everything to my mother's, about a half mile away. (There were no cell phones in those days except those bolted into cars.)
Naturally all hotel rooms were filled but my mother arranged to have her landlord and next-door neighbor rent us the atypically vacant larger house on the property where she was renting her small house. My mother was thrilled: the additional kitchen space would make Thanksgiving dinner preparations so much easier. We dropped our stuff and headed for the beach, where slumlord Luis operated a hot dog stand, to demand a refund of our $600.
I can still hear Luis laughing. No matter what we said--and we all took turns--it just sent him into peals of hysteria. "It was dirty!" "Hahahahahahaha!" "The bed was disgusting!" "Hahahahahahaha!" "We want our money back!" Double "Hahahahahahaha!" Furious and defeated, we left in a huff. Our only satisfaction came the following year when my mother sent us a photograph of Luis' hot dog stand, flattened by Hurricane Hugo. I'm not normally vengeful, but in his case I made an exception. Hahahahahahaha!
It was more than 10 years before we returned to Puerto Rico, and then we stayed in a hotel.
At the time of the call, I was in the process of preparing for an Academy Awards viewing party at my house in Los Angeles, so I really didn't have the necessary time to throw all the cold water I would have liked on this specious semi-plan. But I did what I could, starting with "But you don't speak Spanish!" and seguing to "But you've never even been there!"
She had an answer for almost everything, primarily related to her lifelong loathing of cold weather and love of the Atlantic (just don't get her started on the Pacific). At the end of the call she acknowledged that she should take a trip to Puerto Rico before committing. I figured that would be the end of that. She'd go, feel like a gringa out of water, realize she had no support system, and start sending away for flyers on Miami.
But no. She returned from her trip having taken a job at an English-language school ("They use the immersion method!") and rented a small house. Packing commenced immediately.
As a parent, I know what it's like to disapprove of a child's decision. This experience brought home to me the helplessness of disapproving of a parent's. It wasn't our first role reversal, the first time I had felt like the comparative grownup, but it was the most significant. After almost 20 years, she is still there, and our positions have only hardened.
Once she settled in, she insisted she had been right to trust her intuition. She invited us down for Thanksgiving. This was partly so we could fall in love with island life as she had, and partly because she thought it would be a fun adventure to make a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in her new environment. She knew someone, Luis, who had a rental apartment for turistas like me and my husband, and we sent a check for $600 to prepay for the three nights we would be there.
We arrived in Puerto Rico the day before Thanksgiving. We were dropped off at the apartment and climbed the previously unmentioned stairs to find utter filth: dishes in the sink. Dirty leopard-print sheets on the unmade water bed. Dead bugs on the window sills. We didn't dare inspect the bathroom. My husband refused even to bring a suitcase into the place. So we lugged everything to my mother's, about a half mile away. (There were no cell phones in those days except those bolted into cars.)
Naturally all hotel rooms were filled but my mother arranged to have her landlord and next-door neighbor rent us the atypically vacant larger house on the property where she was renting her small house. My mother was thrilled: the additional kitchen space would make Thanksgiving dinner preparations so much easier. We dropped our stuff and headed for the beach, where slumlord Luis operated a hot dog stand, to demand a refund of our $600.
I can still hear Luis laughing. No matter what we said--and we all took turns--it just sent him into peals of hysteria. "It was dirty!" "Hahahahahahaha!" "The bed was disgusting!" "Hahahahahahaha!" "We want our money back!" Double "Hahahahahahaha!" Furious and defeated, we left in a huff. Our only satisfaction came the following year when my mother sent us a photograph of Luis' hot dog stand, flattened by Hurricane Hugo. I'm not normally vengeful, but in his case I made an exception. Hahahahahahaha!
It was more than 10 years before we returned to Puerto Rico, and then we stayed in a hotel.
How to Get Attention in New York
The Anti-Defamation League entered the fray when a billboard advertising vodka claimed "Christmas Quality, Hanukkah Pricing." They got it taken down quickly, but claimed they were comparing the single day of Christmas to the eight nights of Hanukkah - hence the bargain. What do you think?
A Very Musical Thanksgiving (Videos)
Turkey Survival Anthem
Doing It Sandler-Style
Gobble, Gobble
The Poultry Rapper
The Thanksgiving Eating Challenge (Videos)
Thanksgiving Pie Eating Contest
America's top competitive eaters see who can stuff the most pumpkin pie into their mouths in a Thanksgiving Day pie eating competition. Pumpkin pie is one of the toughest competitions, with a thick dry crust and a deep heavy filling. Eric "Badlands" Booker took the title, eating four whole pies and three eighths in just six minutes.
Thanksgiving Dinner With a Side of Soap
The challenge this Thanksgiving: holding down dinner for at least three minutes after finishing it.
Thanksgiving Turkey Eating Contest
On Thanksgiving Eve, an emaciated woman beat seven plus-size men at a turkey-eating competition in New York City.
Thanksgiving Soda Challenge
The best part: he doesn't like to drink out of the bottle! What's next, a little umbrella and an extended pinkie?
Is Your Family Dysfunctional? A Holiday Quiz
Do you dread holidays? Have to gird yourself to face the relatives? Most likely your anxiety relates to sharing a room with a dysfunctional family. To see where yours falls along the spectrum, take this insightful quiz.
Part 1
Which of the following describes members of your family? Note: One person can qualify in multiple categories. Step-relatives count! And don’t forget to include yourself!
1. Racists
2. Ageists
3. Prejudiced against a certain religion or ethnicity (extra point for each)
4. Weapon-loving “loners”
5. Woman haters or abusers
6. Man haters or abusers
7. Dog-haters
8. Extreme Dog- and/or Cat-lovers (caring for more than five animals)
9. Pedophiles
10. Registered sex offenders
11. Drug addicts
12. Alcoholics
13. Gambling addicts
14. Sex addicts
15. Obese overeaters, bulimics, anorexics or others with eating disorders
16. Other addicts (specify: __________________________________________)
17. Anyone who has appeared on Jerry Springer or a Housewives show
18. Anyone who describes himself unironically as a “confirmed bachelor”
19. Sadists
20. Masochists
21. Prostitutes
22. Bigamists/the polyamorous
23. Sexually active couples comprised of two relatives (extra point if they actually get married)
24. Relatives married to someone at least 18 years older or younger than themselves (i.e., old enough to be their parent or child)
25. Products of artificial insemination or surrogate mother resulting in lawsuit
26. Chronic name droppers
27. Chronically unemployed
28. Chronic money borrowers
29. High school dropouts
30. Narcissists (extra point if narcissism is completely without any basis in reality)
31. Conspiracy theorists
32. Professional psychics
33. Socio- and/or psychopaths (extra point if you know the difference through familial experience)
34. Obsessives (extra point for each person, place or thing obsessed about; extra point for stalking)
35. Will-changers (e.g., a grandmother who uses inheritance as a weapon)
36. Convicted felons (extra point if currently serving time)
37. Charged but not convicted felons (extra point for each charge; extra point for each restraining order)
38. Juvenile delinquents
39. Phobics—specify fear(s): (examples: homophobic, agoraphobic… ___________)
40. Just plain nuts (be honest—annoying doesn’t count)
Total:
Part 2
Which members of your family do you currently not speak to?
1. Mother
2. Father
3. Sister(s)
4. Brother(s)
5. Half-sibling(s)
6. Spouse (Common-law or legal)
7. Ex-spouse(s) (Common-law or legal)
8. Inlaw(s)
9. Ex-inlaw(s)
10. Grandparent(s)
11. Great-grandparent(s)
12. Aunt(s)
13. Uncle(s)
14. Cousin(s)
15. Son(s)
16. Daughter(s)
17. Grandchild(ren)
18. Great-grandchild(ren)
19. Any step-relative(s) (including ex-step-relatives)
20. Relative(s) from which you are at least once “removed”
Subtotal:
Number formerly on list but now reinstated:
Number not included in above but only because they are hanging by a thread:
Number of relatives who are not speaking to other relatives (example: your sister is not speaking to your mother, your cousin is not speaking to his ex-wife…):
Total non-speaking relatives:
How many parents and step-parents do your children have collectively (not including yourself and your current spouse)?
How many of your ex-spouses owe you money?
GRAND TOTAL: _____________
Scoring
0-10 Why are you even taking this test? An Osmond could score higher! Are your relatives actually alive, or are they just not keeping you informed?
11-25 Politicians pray that their background search turns up a family like this. Not dysfunctional, just wacky enough to be interesting.
26-40 You come from the kind of family that the neighbors whisper about, as in “I don’t want you going over there!” Many of your relatives are considered a “bad influence,” and have probably caused you great embarrassment over the years.
41-60 Most likely no one in your family has killed anyone—yet. Besides intense competition at the family picnic for the “black sheep” award, your relatives (and possibly you!) suffer from myriad conflicting problems that keep shrinks, lawyers, diet doctors, Jerry Springer and nurse practitioners in the money. Hey, at least someone loves you!
More than 60 As nutty as they come. Your relatives not only have made you crazy, but your family’s combined dysfunction is its own vortex, picking up speed and growing exponentially, ensuring that generations to come will suffer as you surely do. There is no good news here, only an inevitable farewell wave to reality as one by one you and those related to you surrender fully to the insanity that is your family. Tip: help raise money for treatment by writing a blog, book or movie!
Part 1
Which of the following describes members of your family? Note: One person can qualify in multiple categories. Step-relatives count! And don’t forget to include yourself!
1. Racists
2. Ageists
3. Prejudiced against a certain religion or ethnicity (extra point for each)
4. Weapon-loving “loners”
5. Woman haters or abusers
6. Man haters or abusers
7. Dog-haters
8. Extreme Dog- and/or Cat-lovers (caring for more than five animals)
9. Pedophiles
10. Registered sex offenders
11. Drug addicts
12. Alcoholics
13. Gambling addicts
14. Sex addicts
15. Obese overeaters, bulimics, anorexics or others with eating disorders
16. Other addicts (specify: __________________________________________)
17. Anyone who has appeared on Jerry Springer or a Housewives show
18. Anyone who describes himself unironically as a “confirmed bachelor”
19. Sadists
20. Masochists
21. Prostitutes
22. Bigamists/the polyamorous
23. Sexually active couples comprised of two relatives (extra point if they actually get married)
24. Relatives married to someone at least 18 years older or younger than themselves (i.e., old enough to be their parent or child)
25. Products of artificial insemination or surrogate mother resulting in lawsuit
26. Chronic name droppers
27. Chronically unemployed
28. Chronic money borrowers
29. High school dropouts
30. Narcissists (extra point if narcissism is completely without any basis in reality)
31. Conspiracy theorists
32. Professional psychics
33. Socio- and/or psychopaths (extra point if you know the difference through familial experience)
34. Obsessives (extra point for each person, place or thing obsessed about; extra point for stalking)
35. Will-changers (e.g., a grandmother who uses inheritance as a weapon)
36. Convicted felons (extra point if currently serving time)
37. Charged but not convicted felons (extra point for each charge; extra point for each restraining order)
38. Juvenile delinquents
39. Phobics—specify fear(s): (examples: homophobic, agoraphobic… ___________)
40. Just plain nuts (be honest—annoying doesn’t count)
Total:
Part 2
Which members of your family do you currently not speak to?
1. Mother
2. Father
3. Sister(s)
4. Brother(s)
5. Half-sibling(s)
6. Spouse (Common-law or legal)
7. Ex-spouse(s) (Common-law or legal)
8. Inlaw(s)
9. Ex-inlaw(s)
10. Grandparent(s)
11. Great-grandparent(s)
12. Aunt(s)
13. Uncle(s)
14. Cousin(s)
15. Son(s)
16. Daughter(s)
17. Grandchild(ren)
18. Great-grandchild(ren)
19. Any step-relative(s) (including ex-step-relatives)
20. Relative(s) from which you are at least once “removed”
Subtotal:
Number formerly on list but now reinstated:
Number not included in above but only because they are hanging by a thread:
Number of relatives who are not speaking to other relatives (example: your sister is not speaking to your mother, your cousin is not speaking to his ex-wife…):
Total non-speaking relatives:
How many parents and step-parents do your children have collectively (not including yourself and your current spouse)?
How many of your ex-spouses owe you money?
GRAND TOTAL: _____________
Scoring
0-10 Why are you even taking this test? An Osmond could score higher! Are your relatives actually alive, or are they just not keeping you informed?
11-25 Politicians pray that their background search turns up a family like this. Not dysfunctional, just wacky enough to be interesting.
26-40 You come from the kind of family that the neighbors whisper about, as in “I don’t want you going over there!” Many of your relatives are considered a “bad influence,” and have probably caused you great embarrassment over the years.
41-60 Most likely no one in your family has killed anyone—yet. Besides intense competition at the family picnic for the “black sheep” award, your relatives (and possibly you!) suffer from myriad conflicting problems that keep shrinks, lawyers, diet doctors, Jerry Springer and nurse practitioners in the money. Hey, at least someone loves you!
More than 60 As nutty as they come. Your relatives not only have made you crazy, but your family’s combined dysfunction is its own vortex, picking up speed and growing exponentially, ensuring that generations to come will suffer as you surely do. There is no good news here, only an inevitable farewell wave to reality as one by one you and those related to you surrender fully to the insanity that is your family. Tip: help raise money for treatment by writing a blog, book or movie!
Considering Deep Frying A Thanksgiving Turkey? (Videos)
How Not to Deep Fry a Turkey
This turkey...the person frying the turkey, that is...needs a little lesson in appropriate footwear for deep frying. Of course, his brother-in-law isn't much help, dropping the thermometer into the boiling oil.
Turkey Deep Fry
How to make a great deep fried turkey. Note creative use of cardboard boxes and wire hanger.
The Dangers of Turkey Frying
FYI, turkey fryers aren't UL listed, and for good reason. Some valuable tips from the fire department - a must-see before you drop a big bird into a vat of hot, flammable liquid.
An Expert's View of Turkey Fires
A representative from Underwriters Lab illustrates why turkey fryers can be dangerous. Don't try this one at home!
Black Friday 2010 (Videos)
Black Friday: It's a jungle out there. Save yourself some sleep, skip the parking nightmare and avoid the crowds: Shop Amazon's Black Friday Week
.
You Got Hit? Hysterical!
After nine hours in sub-freezing Utah temps, they finally got inside to buy their…dolls and candy.
Based on a True Story…
Grandma’s been there, and her memory’s obviously good!
Waiting for the Fighting to Begin
Meet some Minnesota shoppers. LOTS of Minnesota shoppers.
Gonna Fly Now!
Having a successful Black Friday takes a certain amount of prep work. See the original this satirizes below.
Targeting Black Friday
Originally published November 28, 2010.
.You Got Hit? Hysterical!
After nine hours in sub-freezing Utah temps, they finally got inside to buy their…dolls and candy.
Based on a True Story…
Grandma’s been there, and her memory’s obviously good!
Waiting for the Fighting to Begin
Meet some Minnesota shoppers. LOTS of Minnesota shoppers.
Gonna Fly Now!
Having a successful Black Friday takes a certain amount of prep work. See the original this satirizes below.
Targeting Black Friday
Originally published November 28, 2010.
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