Hellish Holidays from Around the Web

Today's New York Times has an article on those who feel "this is the year of the anti-Christmas." Whether the economy, the environment, or just plain burnout, these grinches are finding excuses for skipping the tree and the gifts.

What are your memories of sitting on Santa's lap? As these photos indicate, sometimes it looked like there was something else going on!

And a couple of videos to keep the mood going!

Christmas Confessional

A great if hellish song by the Hives and Cyndi Lauper.

It Couldn't Have Been Worse?

Dad yelling, sister running away from home - it does sound pretty bad. But there's always hope!

Getting Emotional at Christmastime

Are anxiety and depression - the flip sides of peace and joy - inevitable at the holidays? It sure feels like it. For every positive, heart-warming aspect of Christmas, there's something infuriating or just plain annoying to rise up and attempt to blot it out - a Joe Lieberman blocking the very health care reform he once proposed, for example. I try to be positive, to see the silver lining and ignore the cloud, but the holidays don't make it easy.

The tree is up and makes me smile every time I see it - until I notice the block of lights out at its bottom. This is only the third Christmas since I bought my fake-but-expensive Martha Stewart Mount Sterling and the thing is already breaking down. Needless to say, no one answers the customer service line.

I love the delicious holiday food - so much that I've gained three pounds and there's still two weeks left until New Year's and its repetitive resolutions.

I plan and shop for months to get just the right presents for everyone and pride myself on completing shopping and shipping well before deadline. Then, despite assurances from a vendor that the gift is in the mail, it's not. It may yet show up, but even if it does it's already missed my cross-country shipment to my sister and her family.

See what I mean? I want to have goodwill toward men (and Martha) but there are just so many obstacles.

Better to Give Than to Receive

It all starts out so well. The gift radar turns on in October and by Thanksgiving I've got a great start.

I’ve made a list, checked it several times and even placed a few online orders. But I’m still feeling the pressure of getting the right gifts. Some people just have a question mark next to their name, meaning I can’t make any progress until I figure out what to give. Other people are so easy to buy for that I have to hold myself back.

The way the holiday issues of magazines push last-minute, homemade and inexpensive gifts, you wouldn't think anyone planned ahead, drove to a store and paid retail. They're filled with quick and easy "crafts" that would give Martha Stewart the dry heaves and plenty of ideas for "Great Gifts for Under $10." Yes, it is possible to do all your Christmas shopping at 7-11! But then how will you look those recipients in the eye when you know all their friends have heard the uproarious story of your Doritos gift basket?

I'm all for bargain hunting. Heck, I saved an amazing $74.59 at the supermarket last week using the Club Card and coupons. Of course, they were having a wine promotion that skewed the results. (Hey, I need to stock up for the holidays!) But when it comes to family and friends, it's time to bite the bullet and get something that they can return without being told, "That didn't come from here" or "This item was discontinued in the '90s. Hey, Myrna, come and take a look at this!"

Even if the gifts you receive are obvious pass-alongs, or come from thrift shops, rummage sales or the back of the giver's own junk closet, you can still take the moral high ground with a well-thought-out gift from a real store (on- or off-line) with a gift receipt. Unless you know that the recipient of your gift is into "vintage," you can knit like Monica Lewinsky, or you really can craft with flair, better to skip the homemade approach and do the right thing.

Originally published November 7, 2007

Alternative Turkey Preparations

Turkey in a Trashcan

This how-to video gives you step-by-step instructions on how to cook a full-size turkey in your backyard using, yes, a metal trashcan. That "lovely assistant" sure is a downer!

Kinky Turkey Flogging

This guy insists on only the tenderest and most submissive of turkeys.

Fire in the Hole

The oven is on fire, the alarm is blaring--and the turkey is raw. Think Martha Stewart could pull that off?

Turkey Drop

A 14-pound turkey with is dropped into turkey fryer filled with boiling oil causing - no surprise here! - a fireball. Don't try this at home. Or anywhere. Any time. Ever.

Thanksgiving Politicking

Guest blogger Jillian Ashley Blair Ivey shares her Bush II-era Thanksgiving memories.

During my freshman year of college I was 2000 miles away from my hometown and completely without any family in the area. My Thanksgiving plans entailed going to New York and spending the holiday weekend with a friend and her relatives. When a combination of laryngitis and acute homesickness put me on a last-minute flight to Texas instead, my friend promised that the invitation for Thanksgiving dinner would still be open the following year. I took her up on it.

At the time, New York still held a bit of mystique for me. I’d been living in Philadelphia for a little over a year by that point, making frequent weekend trips up to the Big Apple. I’d shopped on Fifth Avenue; I’d seen shows on Broadway; I’d been in a rowboat in Central Park; I’d hailed my own taxi. But I hadn’t quite figured out how people could actually live in New York. I felt small and slow and quiet. I needed to take a breath before emerging from Penn Station. This Thanksgiving would give me an opportunity to see how real New York life was lived.

I did not know until I got to my friend’s parents’ apartment, just a few blocks off of Lincoln Center, that I would not actually be experiencing a real New York Thanksgiving, but rather a real North Jersey Thanksgiving. We traveled just over the bridge to a town filled with ex-Manhattanites who’d decided they needed lawns or bigger closets. This is where my friend’s parents’ oldest friends now lived. And on the surface, it was an idyllic setting for a real, old-fashioned Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t get my cramped, Manhattan meal, but maybe I could hope for a slice of Norman Rockwell.

No.

I may not have been in New York, but I was still amongst New Yorkers. As a Texan, I was regarded as a bit of a novelty at the dinner table. There are no Bloomingdale’s in El Paso, Texas. No Neiman Marcuses or Saks Fifth Avenues. We had a Macy’s but it was brand new. Theater tended to be of the community variety, with the occasional touring company coming through. I love my hometown, but suddenly it felt so … pedestrian. But still, I knew the questions I was asked were borne of curiosity and not rudeness. I was a guest, and made to feel welcome. At least until the conversation turned to politics.

Although New York City had, by that point, had Republican mayors for almost a decade, the city is generally regarded as a Democratic one. My friend’s family and their friends certainly voted blue. It was 2003, two years and change after September 11. While possibly popular with New Yorkers for five minutes after visiting Ground Zero, the second President Bush was doubtless amongst New Yorkers’ least-beloved public figures by this dinner. And he had served as governor in my home state for five years before becoming president. General consensus at the table was that Bush was a bad president; this was expressed in ways varying from a call for impeachment to a call for his head. Suddenly, I felt all eyes on me: “Jill, you’re from Texas. What do you think of the president?”

There was absolutely no correct way to answer that question, so I answered around it: “I think that I spend too much time studying to pay much attention to politics.”

“Don’t you have an opinion?”

“Not one I feel qualified to share.”

The room was quiet, but I was raised not to discuss politics in polite company, whether I agreed with them or not (and I did, in some regards) and so I wasn’t going to be the one to break the silence. I think everyone at the table finished eating as quickly as possible, just to get away from the awkwardness.

The next Thanksgiving, I had dinner with friends in Philadelphia.

Thanksgiving in the Olden Days (Videos)

Home Movie: Thanksgiving 1957

Ah, the old days. Everyone dresses in their nicest clothes for Thanksgiving. They start with a prayer, then it's time to chow down, followed by dancing. So nice and quiet, too.

A Rootie Tootie Thanksgiving Special

A time capsule from the early days of TV: a 1950 Thanksgiving special. Check out those credits! Aging Baby Boomer Ira Gallen has spent more than 30 years collecting and restoring old 16mm & 35mm films and Kinescopes.

Thanksgiving Dinner 1962

Breaking out a movie camera was a lot bigger deal in 1962 than it is now. It also involved a blinding light, developing the film and a whole production with a very loud projector and a screen to play it back.

1985 Flashback

Thanksgiving 1985: From back in the day when the kids lined up and stood still for the video and only the camera moved.

A Day of Thanksgiving

A classic old black-and-white short film (although it feels v e r y long) about the real meaning of Thanksgiving. And acting lessons. And cinematography.

A Trailer Trash Thanksgiving (Videos)

Thanksgiving at the Trailer Park

A Hillbilly Thanksgiving. (Hey, she said it!)

Thanksgiving: The Official End of Halloween

This guy has so much to be thankful for, he gets a little choked up. Totally understandable. After all, no one's in jail this year!

Peas in the Nose

The fine art of Thanksgiving table manners--with a trashy touch.

Labor Day Misery

Laboring on Labor Day

Cleaning the toilet is no fun any time.

G.W. Bush Flashback

Wow, it seems like more than a year has passed since we got to make cheap jokes about Bush taking a day off.

Pyrotechnics Gone Wrong

Don't Shop With This Guy

Could his decision to go buy fireworks be any more poorly timed?

Why Fireworks Take Place Near the River

Whoever is heard cheering this explosion needs to go to the hospital with those who were standing near the fire.

Ground-Level Fireworks Display

The real disaster are those KDLH-TV graphics. Even for 1988 they're depressing.

Weddings: Do You Believe in Bad Omens? (Videos)

Bridezilla Gets in the Mood

I give it six months.

Quick! We Need a Hostess Cupcake Run!

Every bride's nightmare--or one of many.

Wedding Thriller Dance

The wedding party were zombies! More fun than hellish.

It's Not a Wedding Unless Somebody Cries

Of course, it's not usually the groom.

Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day of the Future for Celebrities

New technology has allowed a documentary crew to interview celebrity children about Father's Day in 2032.

The Father's Day Song

Musical comic, J. Chris Newberg shows his appreciation on Father's Day.

Fred on Father's Day

Fred's dad ran off when Fred was still in utero. His intuition really paid off.

June Wedding Mishaps (Videos)

Tis the Season...for Embarrassing Moments

Is nothing sacred?

Not a Baptism

Moral: choose your attendants - and your altar - carefully.

Holy...Something

And they say weddings bring out the best in people. This should prove that theory wrong!

Nothing Like a Bomb Threat to Screw Up New Year's Eve

A story contributed by Steve (who usually works behind the scenes here):

I was closing out 2008 with a pleasant week snowboarding in Snowmass, Colorado. Many evenings we would go into nearby Aspen for a nice dinner but we figured that we'd stay away from the crowds New Year's Eve and just hang out in our condo. My son had other ideas and said we just had to do something "New Year's Eve-y". Little did we know that this was not to be a typical New Year's Eve, in Aspen at least.

Detonated bomb fragments at Steve's feet, with Aspen Mountain ski area in background

To my son's credit he did his research and discovered that there were fireworks scheduled over the slopes above Aspen at 8:30pm and midnight. We bundled up, got into our rental car, and headed over to Aspen, about 20 minutes away.

When we arrived, flashing lights of police cars and fire trucks could be seen at a few intersections. This didn't immediately concern me since I'd read how the Aspen police force would be out in force quelling any bar fights and looking out for underage drinking. We soon learned that these would be the least of the police force's concerns.

A friendly but professional policewoman was the first to inform us of the bomb threats made at two Aspen banks earlier that day. As the bomb squad dealt with the bombs, the most popular section of downtown Aspen was completely evacuated. What started as our quest to see explosions in the sky quickly turned to a desire to get our butts away from any explosions on the ground. We hightailed it back to our condo where we followed the story's progress on the web.

Close-up of detonated gift-wrapped bomb fragments

Unfortunately, the bomb threat was real and four gasoline bombs were discovered and safely detonated by the bomb squad. New Year's Eve is Aspen's second busiest night of the year (after the Fourth of July) so the evacuated businesses and workers took a major hit in lost revenue and tips. Fortunately, no one was hurt and the town of Aspen carried on and put on their fireworks shows on New Year's Day evening. This was my first New Year's in Aspen so I have nothing to compare to, but I suspect the New Year's night revelers were even more raucous during the fireworks. In the back of our minds we all knew we had dodged a bullet (or bombs, as it were).