Not Ready for Her Closeup
Whipped Cream in the Beer
Sort of makes you appreciate your own family. Sort of.
Fred on Thanksgiving
Isn't he outgrowing this act yet?
Thanksgiving of the Future
Remember to be yourself.
Thanskgiving Turkeys (Videos)
Sort of makes you appreciate your own family. Sort of.
Isn't he outgrowing this act yet?
Remember to be yourself.
Can Turkeys Fly? (Video)
This infamous episode of WKRP in Cincinnati answers that question. "It gets pretty strange after that."
10 Ways to Have a Hellish Family Holiday
Recent experience has given me insights into how to make a bad thing worse. Others push fun, family and time-saving tips, but Hellish Holidays is all about keeping it real. Don't know how to have a Hellish Holiday? Here are some steps you can take:
1. Multiple Generations. Two generations can be grating, but it's hard to be hellish without a grandparent in the mix. In a pinch, aunts and uncles can raise issues thought to have been put to rest for decades.
2. Lowered Expectations. "Can't we all at least pretend to like each other this year?" In other words: let's not actually like each other, just fake it for a few hours. Sadly, even this dream can die hard.
3. Kitchen Disasters. The turkey caught fire, the oven died, the dishwasher broke — holidays with ruined food and hand-washing of service for 18 are classically hellish.
4. A Well-Placed Insult — and Its Riposte. "I always knew you felt that way! Now I can tell you how I really feel about your [significant other, relationship with Mom, personal cleanliness, Jello mold...]."
5. Inappropriate Escorts. Bring a date with full-body tattoos and an ankle monitor to Grandma's house and you're just asking for a memorable meal--and not in a good way. Ditto someone too old or young, too poor (no such thing as too rich) or too felonious.
6. Special Diets. "What do you mean, is the turkey organic? Of course not. You don't get a breast like that without hormones!" Watching someone load up on one food and bypass all the others gives the whole rest of the table something to mutter about.
7. Sports. Hours and hours of NFL as a soundtrack can fray nerves and build resentment as we flash back to the '50s when women slaved away in the kitchen while the menfolk sat around. The only thing worse would be hockey.
8. A No-Show. Your sister blew off the dinner? Dad ran to the store and never came back? While it's fun to build unanimity among those left behind by trashing the departed, missing relatives cast a shadow over the proceedings.
9. Physical Injuries. Someone slipped on cranberry sauce and had to go to the ER. Grandpa didn't make it up the stairs - so much for that new hip. Let's face it: when paramedics show up, the holiday goes straight to hell.
10. Special Announcements. "I'm going to be a mother--and there is no father." "I'm quitting my job to stalk Courtney Love." "You know, Rush Limbaugh has it all figured out." These kinds of comments don't just ruin dinner, they shatter lives.
Originally posted Thanksgiving 2007.
1. Multiple Generations. Two generations can be grating, but it's hard to be hellish without a grandparent in the mix. In a pinch, aunts and uncles can raise issues thought to have been put to rest for decades.
2. Lowered Expectations. "Can't we all at least pretend to like each other this year?" In other words: let's not actually like each other, just fake it for a few hours. Sadly, even this dream can die hard.
3. Kitchen Disasters. The turkey caught fire, the oven died, the dishwasher broke — holidays with ruined food and hand-washing of service for 18 are classically hellish.
4. A Well-Placed Insult — and Its Riposte. "I always knew you felt that way! Now I can tell you how I really feel about your [significant other, relationship with Mom, personal cleanliness, Jello mold...]."
5. Inappropriate Escorts. Bring a date with full-body tattoos and an ankle monitor to Grandma's house and you're just asking for a memorable meal--and not in a good way. Ditto someone too old or young, too poor (no such thing as too rich) or too felonious.
6. Special Diets. "What do you mean, is the turkey organic? Of course not. You don't get a breast like that without hormones!" Watching someone load up on one food and bypass all the others gives the whole rest of the table something to mutter about.
7. Sports. Hours and hours of NFL as a soundtrack can fray nerves and build resentment as we flash back to the '50s when women slaved away in the kitchen while the menfolk sat around. The only thing worse would be hockey.
8. A No-Show. Your sister blew off the dinner? Dad ran to the store and never came back? While it's fun to build unanimity among those left behind by trashing the departed, missing relatives cast a shadow over the proceedings.
9. Physical Injuries. Someone slipped on cranberry sauce and had to go to the ER. Grandpa didn't make it up the stairs - so much for that new hip. Let's face it: when paramedics show up, the holiday goes straight to hell.
10. Special Announcements. "I'm going to be a mother--and there is no father." "I'm quitting my job to stalk Courtney Love." "You know, Rush Limbaugh has it all figured out." These kinds of comments don't just ruin dinner, they shatter lives.
Originally posted Thanksgiving 2007.
Latkes Instead of Stuffing - One Year Only!
For the first time since 1899, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah will coincide. Enjoy, because the convergence of the first day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving will not happen again for...wait for it...70,000 years. For an explanation of why, click here, because this is so complicated I just can't wrap my shiksa head around it.
Photo from the Wisconsin Jewish Journal.
Summer Kickoff with Powerball
Powerball Fever recently gripped the states offering it, and
California is the most recent addition to those ranks. Last week I was
stunned when my friends - people who live comfortable lives and
otherwise don't seem prone to throwing their money out the window -
bought Powerball tickets. And talked rapturously about what they would
do with their winnings, about $300 million cash.
The first thing most mentioned was how they would donate large sums of money to help improve the lives of others. (I have kind and empathetic friends.) Then they would save and invest a large amount, just to be sure that $300 million would be enough to take them through their golden years. (We're Boomers, not Depression Babies, but recent years have been so harrowing that our fear of running out of money in retirement now rivals that of our parents'.)
After those two gimmes come the inevitable fantasies. Multiple homes. International travel not involving cheap hotel chains. Servants. Cars. Designer clothes bought at retail. Books bought at the last remaining independent booksellers.
I'm pretty sure the comfortably well-off didn't used to buy lottery tickets or have these fantasies. Hell, even the middle class was able to achieve most or all of those things. But in these days of lowered expectations and a corporate culture that has conspired to wring every dime out of must-haves that used to be affordable (housing, healthcare, insurance, education, food, gas...), no one in the 98 percent feels rich or confident about the future anymore. Treading water is the new striving. Not worrying is the new luxury.
As we roll into summer without the promise of $300 million for our bank accounts, Powerball disappointment will fade and life will go on. We're all pretty lucky we have enough to survive on and of course each other. But I won't be able to stop thinking about the fact that a $300 million payout briefly became a viable exit plan. Surely there has to be a better way to get off the fiscal cliff.
The first thing most mentioned was how they would donate large sums of money to help improve the lives of others. (I have kind and empathetic friends.) Then they would save and invest a large amount, just to be sure that $300 million would be enough to take them through their golden years. (We're Boomers, not Depression Babies, but recent years have been so harrowing that our fear of running out of money in retirement now rivals that of our parents'.)
After those two gimmes come the inevitable fantasies. Multiple homes. International travel not involving cheap hotel chains. Servants. Cars. Designer clothes bought at retail. Books bought at the last remaining independent booksellers.
I'm pretty sure the comfortably well-off didn't used to buy lottery tickets or have these fantasies. Hell, even the middle class was able to achieve most or all of those things. But in these days of lowered expectations and a corporate culture that has conspired to wring every dime out of must-haves that used to be affordable (housing, healthcare, insurance, education, food, gas...), no one in the 98 percent feels rich or confident about the future anymore. Treading water is the new striving. Not worrying is the new luxury.
As we roll into summer without the promise of $300 million for our bank accounts, Powerball disappointment will fade and life will go on. We're all pretty lucky we have enough to survive on and of course each other. But I won't be able to stop thinking about the fact that a $300 million payout briefly became a viable exit plan. Surely there has to be a better way to get off the fiscal cliff.
Happy (Not Hellish) Sixth
Today is the sixth anniversary of Hellish Holidays. This begins our sixth season of accepting the reality that is Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day and more. We wish you holidays that are not the least bit hellish - but encourage you to embrace your memories of those that were.
Halloween's Black Friday Equivalent
The day after Thanksgiving - or more accurately, later that night - everyone piles into the hybrid SUV with the now-defunct election bumper sticker and heads to the mall for the Black Friday sales. For many people, post-holiday shopping is more important than the holiday itself. Turkey? Feh, not interested. They're too busy scrolling through the Black Friday ads and making a plan of attack for 5:00 a.m.
I am not one of these people. While I love a bargain, I do not love a bargain more than I hate being with other people. Seriously, I run a website called "Hellish Holidays" - do I sound like someone with unconditional love for her fellow man? Of course not. I am someone who prefers shopping online and going to the grocery store mid-morning. I live for the reverse commute (not that such a thing exists any more in Los Angeles) and sitting next to an empty seat on an airplane (something else that doesn't exist any more).
But there is one post-holiday sale I cannot resist, and it is the November 1 candy extravaganza. On Halloween, while my son parcels out Fun Size whatever-I-had-a-coupon-fors, I scan the ad circulars of the local chain drugstores and supermarkets. I prioritize and plan. And the morning of November 1, I set my alarm and go. If I found a line outside of CVS, I would wait in it. Because through that automatic door is candy. And not just any candy - half-price candy! The most delicious kind of candy you can buy!
I am not one of these people. While I love a bargain, I do not love a bargain more than I hate being with other people. Seriously, I run a website called "Hellish Holidays" - do I sound like someone with unconditional love for her fellow man? Of course not. I am someone who prefers shopping online and going to the grocery store mid-morning. I live for the reverse commute (not that such a thing exists any more in Los Angeles) and sitting next to an empty seat on an airplane (something else that doesn't exist any more).
But there is one post-holiday sale I cannot resist, and it is the November 1 candy extravaganza. On Halloween, while my son parcels out Fun Size whatever-I-had-a-coupon-fors, I scan the ad circulars of the local chain drugstores and supermarkets. I prioritize and plan. And the morning of November 1, I set my alarm and go. If I found a line outside of CVS, I would wait in it. Because through that automatic door is candy. And not just any candy - half-price candy! The most delicious kind of candy you can buy!
There aren't many kinds of candy I don't like. Over the years I have even learned to love the Almond Joy bar, and I'm not crazy about coconut or almonds. It could be because the song from my youth ("Almond Joy's got nuts - Mounds don't") still rings in my head the way Shakespeare and Emily Dickinson never could.
Naturally I have my favorites - black licorice All-Sorts (no one ever gives that), Butterfingers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. But really, I'll eat anything that's 100 calories a bite. I feel about candy the way Jerry Seinfeld did when he was a kid. Apparently he got over it. But I didn't.
Naturally I have my favorites - black licorice All-Sorts (no one ever gives that), Butterfingers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. But really, I'll eat anything that's 100 calories a bite. I feel about candy the way Jerry Seinfeld did when he was a kid. Apparently he got over it. But I didn't.
Last-Minute Mask
Too lazy, cheap, disorganized or disinterested to have your Halloween costume together? Don't be too hard on yourself - we've all been there! If you have a color printer, click here to solve your procrastinating problem. Enjoy!
Halloween Snark (Videos)
Leave it to Joe to take snark to its highest level. These costumes aren't just politically incorrect, they give bad taste a bad name.
"Halloween is not an excuse to be a slut" - WHAT?! Good thing no one told me this in my 20s.
Is it snarky to call her out for her overplumped lips? This isn't Gawker, after all...
"Halloween is not an excuse to be a slut" - WHAT?! Good thing no one told me this in my 20s.
Is it snarky to call her out for her overplumped lips? This isn't Gawker, after all...
Hellish Halloween House Halted
According to the Huffington Post, a "dazzling Halloween lights show" in Riverside, California has been shut down by the local Homeowners Assn. Hard to blame those who live within 100 decibels...or 1,000 lumens...or however you want to measure the noise and light pollution. The 2,000 visitors can't have been fun to navigate around either!
Reasons to Stay Single, Halloween Edition (Videos)
I'm going to let these speak for themselves.
I could go on and on...
I could go on and on...
The Black Friday Price Match
In response to having their stores used as showrooms by consumers
who then by online for less, brick-and-mortar retailers are fighting back.
Target
will match online prices at Amazon, Wal-Mart, Best Buy and Toys R Us. The
program will run between November 1 and December 16.
Best Buy will
price-match 20 online retailers this holiday season, as well as offering free
shipping on items not available in stores. The new policy, likely to go into
effect starting Sunday, November 4, will not be in effect the week of
Black Friday through Cyber Monday. A more critical caveat: Best Buy customer
service representatives are permitted to honor the policy at their discretion.
Get ready for some
hellish tales. Price-matching can be awkward, and staff training critical.
Let's hope Target and Best Buy are holding classes now!
A Very Political Halloween (Videos)
"Binders Full of Women"
Candy Redistribution
Sarah Palin Halloween Costume Options
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)