We Gather Together - With Atheists

Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday, but all the songs are essentially hymns. This one's for the atheists. And because I live in Los Angeles, it's about that too.

We All Arrived Here
(sung to the tune of "We Gather Together")

We all arrived here without any Hosannas

We basted, test-tasted our Thanksgiving fare

The wicked winds blowing, they’re called the Santa Anas

But we are all safe, and with nary a prayer.

Beside us to guide us, was Waze at our service

Through bad LA traffic it found the right way

The SIG alert gridlock, it sure made us nervous

Thanks to Google we are here drinking good chardonnay

Now all praise the potluck – it’s made without dairy

The gluten-free stuffing is sure to be grand.

A village it takes, not gods imaginary

We all deserve credit, cause nothing was canned.

Amen.

© 2019 by Laura Foti Cohen

Turducken (Videos)

Vegan Effing Turducken...

How much do you love yor dogs?

The most disturbing part is that the Dr. Pepper is not the most disturbing part.

Is Your Family Dysfunctional? A Holiday Quiz

Do you dread holidays? Have to gird yourself to face the relatives? Most likely your anxiety relates to sharing a room with a dysfunctional family. To see where yours falls along the spectrum, take this insightful quiz.

PART 1

Which of the following describes members of your family? Note: One person can qualify in multiple categories. Step-relatives count! And don’t forget to include yourself!

Give yourself one point each for family members who are:

1. Racists
2. Ageists
3. Prejudiced against a certain religion, ethnicity or sexual identity (extra point for each)
4. Weapon-loving “loners”
5. Woman haters or abusers
6. Man haters or abusers
7. Dog-haters
8. Extreme Dog- and/or Cat-lovers (caring for more than five animals)
9. Suspected pedophiles
10. Registered sex offenders
11. Drug addicts
12. Alcoholics
13. Gambling addicts
14. Selfie or social media addicts
15. Food addicts or those whose food issues mar the Thanksgiving experience
16. Other addicts (specify: __________________________________________)
17. Anyone who has appeared on Jerry Springer (including Judge Jerry) or a Housewives show
18. Anyone who describes himself unironically as a “confirmed bachelor”
19. Sadists, masochists and sado-masochists  (extra point if you know the difference through familial experience)
20. Religious fanatics
21. Prostitutes
22. Bigamists/the polyamorous
23. Sexually active couples comprised of two relatives (extra point if they actually get married)
24. Relatives dating or married to someone at least 18 years older or younger than themselves (i.e., old enough to be their parent or child)
25. Products of artificial insemination or surrogate mother resulting in lawsuit
26. Chronic name droppers
27. Chronically unemployed
28. Chronic money borrowers
29. High school dropouts
30. Narcissists (extra point if narcissism is completely without any basis in reality)
31. Conspiracy theorists
32. Professional psychics
33. Socio- and/or psychopaths (extra point if you know the difference through familial experience)
34. Obsessives (extra point for each person, place or thing obsessed about; extra point for stalking)
35. Will-changers (e.g., a grandmother who uses inheritance as a weapon)
36. Convicted felons (extra point if currently serving time; 2 extra points if the subject of a documentary or fictionalized show or movie)
37. Charged but not convicted felons (extra point for each charge; extra point for each restraining order)
38. Juvenile delinquents
39. Phobics—specify fear(s): (examples: homophobic, agoraphobic…)
40. Just plain nuts (be honest—annoying doesn’t count)

PART 1 Total _____

PART 2

Which members of your family do you currently not speak to? Give yourself one point for each.

1. Mother
2. Father
3. Sister(s)
4. Brother(s)
5. Half-sibling(s)
6. Spouse
7. Ex-spouse(s)
8. Inlaw(s)
9. Ex-inlaw(s)
10. Grandparent(s)
11. Great-grandparent(s)
12. Aunt(s)
13. Uncle(s)
14. Cousin(s)
15. Son(s)
16. Daughter(s)
17. Grandchild(ren)
18. Great-grandchild(ren)
19. Any step-relative(s) (including ex-step-relatives)
20. Relative(s) from which you are at least once “removed”

Part 2 Total: _____

PART 3

Now add in:

Number who were formerly on the list but have been reinstated _____
Number not included in above but only because they are hanging by a thread _____
Number of relatives who are not speaking to other relatives (example: your sister is not speaking to your mother, your cousin is not speaking to his ex-wife…) _____
Number of parents and step-parents your children have collectively (not including yourself and your current spouse, if applicable) _____ 
Number of your ex-spouses who owe you money _____

Part 3 Total: _____

Okay, time to add it all up:

Part 1 Total _____

Part 2 Total _____

Part 3 Total: _____

GRAND, DYSFUNCTIONAL TOTAL _____________

Scoring

0-10 Why are you even taking this test? An Osmond could score higher! Are your relatives actually alive, or are they just not keeping you informed?

11-25 Politicians pray that their background search turns up a family like this. Not dysfunctional, just wacky enough to be interesting.

26-40 You come from the kind of family that the neighbors whisper about, as in “I don’t want you going over there!” Many of your relatives are considered a “bad influence,” and have probably caused you great embarrassment over the years.

41-60 Most likely no one in your family has killed anyone—yet. Besides intense competition at the family picnic for the “black sheep” award, your relatives (and possibly you!) suffer from myriad conflicting problems that keep shrinks, lawyers, diet doctors, reality TV and nurse practitioners in the money. Hey, at least someone loves you!

More than 60 As nutty as they come. Your relatives not only have made you crazy, but your family’s combined dysfunction is its own vortex, picking up speed and growing exponentially, ensuring that generations to come will suffer as you surely do. There is no good news here, only an inevitable farewell wave to reality as one by one you and those related to you surrender fully to the insanity that is your family. Tip: help raise money for treatment by writing a blog, book or movie, especially one focusing on holidays!

The Year of the Pop-Up Timer

My dad was not known as a cook. He must have made dinner for himself after my parents divorced, but that’s hard to believe based on the Thanksgivings he put together. He insisted on hosting, and he did his best, but let's just say we didn't go to his place for the food.

Finally, one year he agreed to let me cook. I'd been bragging about my culinary prowess, and he gave in and accepted my claim that I could whip up something more gourmet than what we'd been used to. Now I realize that my baking experience didn't translate into any real dinner-making ability, but back in those days, I thought I could do it all. How hard could it be?

I'd never made a turkey, so to be safe, I bought one of those with the pop-up timers. All I had to do was check occasionally and when it popped up, we would eat. I put the turkey in the oven while we played Scrabble. After an hour or so I looked into the oven. Nope, not ready. More looking, more not ready, more Scrabble.

After what seemed like twice the length of time it should have taken, I pulled the pan out and examined what was turning into withered jerky. No timer was popped up. It must be defective. What a rip-off! Those Butterball people would be hearing from me!

But wait. When I took the mummified bird out of the pan and flipped it onto a platter, it turned out that I’d had it in there upside down. That poor little timer never stood a chance: it had been pressed into the pan. Who knows how long ago it started to try.

That year, we dined on rolls, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and plenty of pie to the soundtrack of bitching. "Why didn't you put marshmallows in the sweet potatoes?" "I really wanted some turkey." And you’d better believe that, like "The Fruitcake Story," that tale gets re-told more often than it should.

Originally published November 24, 2011

How to Avoid Turkey Disasters

Thanksgiving brings the potential for turkey disasters, not just dry breast meat but call-the-fire-department disasters.

Best Wishes for a Rainbow-Filled New Year

J'adore Randy Rainbow! He wasn't always the famous Trump-teasing superstar he is today. Once he was just as bitter and unsuccessful as the rest of us, and not afraid to put it out there.

This is Randy's first-ever video, posted 10 years ago this week and the Source of Video Wonderfulness.

So happy 2020, Gurl! You are a big part of the reason we will be kissing the Desperate Cheeto goodbye and good riddance.

The Endless Promise of Christmas Magazines

'Tis the season for a baking plan and here I sit, surrounded by 25 years of Christmas magazines. The oldest ones date from 1980 and the newest one, well, I bought it last week. That means I've been optimistic about Christmas baking for more than a quarter of a century, and I'm no Martha Stewart. I can't believe it. I'm sicker than I thought, and that's saying something.

For one thing, why in the world am I still buying these things? If I preheated the oven right now and started sifting flour, I would die of old age before I could make half the recipes in this pile. And I still have several hundred cookbooks, including God only knows how many specifically about Christmas.

This massive 25-year stack, which lives on top of the cabinets in the breakfast room, is obscene, Christmas porn. Bad enough that I’ve saved them, which probably puts me in some twisted packrat category. But check out these cover taglines: "500 Merry Ideas." One-upped (well, 130-upped) by "630 Merry Ideas." Only to be outdone by "Christmas Magic: 705 Ideas." But the 1993 Women's Day blows them all out of the water with "1104 Ideas."

What is it with numbers? Do we really think they hold the key? Why else would I buy issue after issue with promises like: "Rooms that Say Christmas 65 Ways." "150 Easy Holiday Tips." (How easy would it be to do 150 anythings?) "160 Ways to Make Yours a Holiday Home." "200 Ideas for the Best Christmas Ever." "Over 200 Ideas for Your Best and Happiest Christmas Ever!" "Over 250 Ideas for Your Most Memorable and Heartwarming Christmas Ever!" "250+ Ideas to Make Your Holidays Merrier." "400 Ideas to Make Your Holidays Happier." "400+ Ideas to Light Up the Season." "456 Holiday Ideas." "508 Christmas Ideas." "557 Glorious Ideas." "The Glory of Christmas: 935 Ideas." "Hundreds of Magical Ideas."

We all know ideas are a dime a dozen. It’s the time, energy and creativity to implement ideas that make them valuable. To pretend you could even process all the information behind hundreds of ideas—“magical” or not—is to buy into the true meaning of Christmas: unmet expectations. You know what I really need? One great idea and a kitchen assistant.

I love the back covers of the magazines from the ‘80s that feature cigarette ads from More, Now, Vantage, Virginia Slims...do they still make these? Heck, maybe those represent the 41 ways to stay thin promised by one cover: two packs plus an extra will certainly keep you away from the cookie dough.

Who am I kidding with this stash of Christmas past and present? I make the same things every year, and very few come from magazines or cookbooks. They come from index cards my mother gave me, back when she still baked. They're for coconut-honey balls, which I rolled in confectioner's sugar back in the '70s and still do, every year. If I make nothing else, I always make those. (They have no honey in them, but that's the name on the card and I’m sticking to it.)

It’s almost enough to send me to the recycling bin. But I can’t dump them now; they’re part of my Christmas tradition. And as any self-respecting Christmas magazine cover will tell you, it’s all about Tradition. Or, more likely, "247 Ways to Celebrate Your Traditions."

Originally published on December 1, 2006. Since then, I have finally dumped a lot of the magazines described here. Sunday I made seven dozen coconut-honey balls from the recipe on that ancient index card. These days a friend and I share the load, baking together over the course of about five hours. But that's a hellish story for another time.

Black Friday Frenzy

Tramplings and fist fights and screaming galore

That's the hellish Black Friday we've come to adore.

You don't have to keep track of the mayhem amount -
Just head on over to Black Friday Death Count.

Hellish Holidays Hot Sauce!

From the fiery depths of Thanksgiving comes Hellish Holidays Hot Sauce from Howling Mad. Excellent with turkey.

Buy this seasonal sauce now - supplies are limited!

Cheesy Knock-Offs:

You say money's tight and you can't go all out this Halloween? Don't cheap out with a cheesy knock-off costume, like a red-and-white striped shirt sold in a package called "Where's the Stripey Dude?"

Way to rip off the Prince estate, Smiffys (if that's really your name...)

Check out other sad and desperate attempts to cash in off of the trademarks of others at Buzzfeed. Oh, and get some ripped fishnets and your mom's bathing suit and go as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

Ugly Undertones to Rudoph the Red-Nosed Reindeer & Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

Twitter posts call out the nastiness underlying a perennial Christmas animated special; Huffington Post aggregates the observations to create a damning portrait.

And another cherished memory is spoiled. 

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer-disturbing-details_us_5bfe058fe4b0f43bf2661c7f 

This follows the revelation that 1970's Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, also from cheesy animation studio Rankin-Bass, has some negative undertones of its own.

https://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-arts-and-culture/119079/a-very-gay-jewish-christmas 

In Sombertown, the evil ruler Burgermeister Meisterburger orders toys burned and children into forced labor. Ho ho ho! Try to sleep well now, woke kiddies.

The House from Hell

For nine years I lived in a freak house. I'm not talking about my family, necessarily, but about the house itself. I lived in one of the most upscale suburbs and school districts in the country--but our house was a falling-down rental at the end of a long, rutted driveway. It wasn't exactly The Glass Castle, more like Grey Gardens without the money.

My brother in our creepy driveway

Today that driveway is a smoothly paved road through a development of multimillion-dollar houses in Westchester County. But in my memory it lives on as a hellish byway of broken asphalt, ancient patch jobs and loose gravel that scared away parents and children, and ruined Halloween (and many an undercarriage).

Holidays in Hell

This site examines holidays as defined in American English: Thanksgiving, Independence Day, etc. But in British English, the word "holiday" means vacation. So, a hellish holiday can mean a really awful vacation - as described in this somewhat horrifying article.

Seriously? Who would choose any of these places over the South of France?

Halloween Date From Hell

It just seems wrong to complain about a Hellish Halloween. After all, isn't that the whole point? Yes, there are parades and parties and dressing up. But the holiday's very nature is to be creepy. It's about scaring small children, TPing and egging, eating too much candy, getting separated from your hard-to-recognize friends...there are so many ways this gruesome holiday can go bad. Here's one you may not have thought of before.

One October in my twenties I was single and going through a dry spell. OK, large chunks of my twenties were dry, but that's another (hellish) story. I went out to dinner with a couple of girlfriends, and one of them brought her brother, Andrew. Andrew was, like me, a writer, but unlike me he actually had published several books.

Andrew and I hit it off. Sure, he was short, pudgy and bald, but at least he was funny. Ask my friend Peter--my main dating credo is "As long as he's funny." I believe the way he put it was, "Well, no one could accuse you of having a physical 'type.'" Frankly, Peter was always unable to differentiate between laughing with my dates and laughing at them. But I digress.

Christmas Is Always Coming

No, you're not imagining things. Christmas consumerism comes earlier every year. And this year may set the record: Dollar Tree has just released its 2017 "Holiday Book."